Life is full of many important questions. Here’s one of mine. You’re read a great review of a piece of software, you buy it, install and run thru the presets and then you get busy, you go back to your old tired ways. You load up that same overused Metamorphosis loop or the boring conga samples you always use. WTFN? – it’s not like the deaf producer you’re workin’ for can tell a difference between Tito Puente and your stiff, grimy fingers poking at your keyboard-right? Why am I not currently using something I bought?
So I stumble across a piece of software the other day – launch it and begin messing around, thinking it sounds really good an why the fuck I haven’t been using it - and decide to really dig into it. It’s kinda like finding the phone number of that booty call you used to frequent, then kinda forgot cuz you were in love, and just looking at the number makes you all dizzy and makes your stomach churn like a 13 year old girl at a Jonas Bros show.
The booty I called up is Drumcore and it’s inner child Kitcore. Drumcore is a standalone working thru Rewire and Kitcore is an “in your host app plugin.”
I originally bought the Submersible Music product (hence lovingly referred to as Sub - www.submersiblemusic.com) because of the reviews, the sound quality online, the variety of sounds – and my frustration with Stylus’s lack of real drummer grooves and kit selection. Don’t pressure clamp my balls and rant about Backbeat – I burned out on those grooves 3 years ago. The Sub products fell into the area I like – killer sound with a quick and easy interface.
Well, Drum/Kitcore and I got to know each other again with some really great makeup sex involving wire brushes.
The Preamble (aka Scooter rants on making music not clicking the mouse or staring blankly at computer screen):
1. Manuals: I never read manuals. Believe me, after I have gone thru the usual excruciating process of installing my new purchase, authorizing it, getting it working inside my host seq – well, Martha – I just want to fucking play the thing - not read another intolerable manual.
2. Interfaces: All software interfaces should be at a 3rd grade reading level or lower. Developers need to put all the usual knobs/sliders, the actual knobs/sliders people use - really big and obvious on the first page. Put all the fancy shit programmers jerk off to on another page.
3. All developers should be required to have short tutorials on their website on how to setup their product on various DAWs. Some do, including Submersible, most do not.
Back to the story . . .
Sub did a good job here meeting most of my requirements of great software for working fast and making money. Talk about easy? Kitcore is like a drunk, soon-to-be divorcee perched on a barstool looking to get even with her cheating Ex. Even the bass player has a chance!
48 Pads of drum samples divided into 2 pages – Drums & Percussion. You select kits in a pull down menu. Sub violates one of my cardinal rules here on the interface – where’s my humongous forward/backward preset kit button to change kits???? To beat a dead horse – I’m pretty sure everybody who buys a soft synth at some point is going to want to change patches – and since it seems more likely that Sarah Palin will win the Nobel Prize in Physics before manufacturers come up with a standardized method for keystrokes, I want a big damn UP and DOWN button. OK, rant over, I’ve cried in the shower and I feel better.
Thank God Kit’s list pops up to the last one you selected and you don’t have to scroll down to the bowels of hell to find what you want - like when selecting a font in Word.
Hold Control (never read a manual just try either Control or Option while clicking anything – never fails to work) and click on a drum sound to substitute another kick from another kit – that’s sweet and easy. Basically you have to stick to the layout though – kicks only go in the kick slot. Snares only in the snares slots. Fine 99% of the time unless, of course, I wanted to record my multi movement symphony of cowbells – a brilliant work, btw, that features 71 players with different cowbells all playing as loudly as they can.
Hold on – let’s talk sound quality for a moment. What I’ve been doing is like telling you I just got laid and never once mentioning how beautiful and charming the girl was. Because when it comes to picking up girls – uh - working with software, easy is one thing – but quality - that inescapable desire to hit it over and over – is where the nectar is. And Sub has it. The kits are built from famous drummers the world over. These guys have slapped more skin than a bipolar foster parent with an empty beer fridge. These kits really, really sound great. Lots of samples per key. Easy to play, easy to make sound good – even if you lost half your digits in the wood chipper. Of the drummer packs that I have, by far the strength of Kit is in creating a realistic drummer vibe. But HipHop, drum machine, processed collections aren’t absent – just not as profuse. Kitcore’s real strength is real drumming.
I found a few patches (Ben Smith Oil, Alan White Brownesque) that I felt the kick drum was too low in volume compared to the snare. No big deal. I highlighted the kick pad, then in the “Pad Settings” raised the volume slider and I got the mix I wanted. I then changed kick drums but when I went back to one of those patches – Kit had kind of saved my settings. But it didn’t save it. Hold on, what if I change to another drum kit preset? Does Kitcore automatically change the one I just left? Yeah, it does. Now I fucked up my Alan White kit. Ahh, but if you reinstantiate Kitcore, Alan White is back! I talked to Sub about this and they had two ways of going and it makes sense. Say you are working on a HipHop track. You’ve picked the kit you love, now you want to hear all of their famous drummers play their licks with this kit. That’s the way KitCore works now and that’s the way most of us would work in real life. However when you first load it up and you’re just bouncing thru sounds, it was a little disconcerting to hear Matt Sorum’s big badass rock kit playing New Orleans style rhythms. If Sub did it the other way, where the original kit was loaded when you selected a groove, then you’d have to keep reloading your HipHop kit to hear it the way you want. I suggest Sub keep it the way it is and add a button that says something like “Load Original Kit Used On This Groove”. See? I just solved another one of the world’s problems - now onto corrupt Italian politics.
Each drum pad has Pan and Pitch as well – easy – right in front – the pitch is a nice feature and simple – I do wish “Option Click” reset the fader to the original pitch cuz it slows me down trying to get the slider exactly back on zero. The pitch has the word “original” that pops up when you get back to center – Vol and Pan do not – which led me to notice that panning is subtle in the presets. All of the samples are super high quality stereo 48k/24b files and Sub is leaving it up to you to get more extreme, dare I say risqué, in your panning if desired. I like a wide stereo image – just like my women - so I found that I was pushing the Pan sliders pretty far left and right – and because this is all about me - I wish Sub had set things up in a wider stereo placement as part of the preset – just to make my life easier – and then let me pull the cabassa more center if I wanted. All this pushing and pulling and pulling and pushing. I’ve got this weak, arthritic wrist thing going. My Mom warned me about going blind – but she never said I might not be able to thrust and tug on my sliders. Small gripe? Absolutely.
KC (cuz we’re BFFs now) has a thing called Live Drummer, which is a slider that brings some realistic feel into your lifeless midi grooves by subtly changing velocities on samples – this thing really works! No more messing with velocity on individual drum hits – I love this feature. The newer libraries with lots more layers on each drum work best. Now if only Sub made it for that Euphonium player that was in here last week! Talk about no feel, no emotion! I’m going back to bass trombone from here on out. I might have had some fun with the labeling of the slider though– you get only Off at one end, Default in the middle and Max on the right (with 100 variations in between) but how could they not have labeled these “Stiff Republican Robot Drummer With Nonexistent Feel” on one end and “Doped Up Groove Meister Most Likely Carrying Weed You Can Bogart From Him” on the other??
Groove Section (midi grooves) – this is too easy! Like hooking up with your sister (shout out to my Nashville friends – what’s up????!!!!!) Select either Drummer or Style. You can further filter by selecting Feel. That reminds me of the only good line in “Leatherheads” – Clooney says “You’re only as young as the women you feel.” You can also cut to the chase by going with Fills or Loops. Thank you Submersible for allowing me to search fills – all the fuckin fills (yeah, you hit ALL on the left, unclick LOOPS on the right and make sure you have selected FILLS and sure as mommy did the milkman, every fill in your Kitcore library is there.) Do I want more Fills? Always, but being able to list the fills and choose? Priceless. Why is it that every time I hear a drummer play all they do is fill, fill, fill. Then they make a drum loop library and there ain’t a fill to be found!
Attention Drum Loops Makers!!!! The fills are the hard things to create for us rhythmically challenged Neanderthals. Please add shitloads of fills to your libraries – better yet, release libraries of fills only.
Also! The ability to search for all fills should be required of all drum software makers under penalty of death! No even better – torture them first – then kill them.
Time to import your groove to your seq? Just drag either the name of the loop or the cool little midi graphic to your Seq – blam! AC/DC is on the phone.
KC has a cool window under the midi groove that displays original tempo, meter, duration and feel - this is where Sub could tell me which kit was originally used to create the groove - especially when it comes to Latin styles and quirky grooves where the right samples on the right pads is key to the sound. Yeah, I know a Latin groove with 808 samples is dope and “I’m a genius cuz I swapped out some drum sounds on a midi loop” – but if I want authentic Latin, I gotta keep bouncing around thru drums sets till I think I get the right one. And did I? Is Luis Conte gonna beat down my door when the timbale part is erroneously being played on the conga rim?
When you have both Kitcore and Drumcore installed, you have a choice of pointing to either data library. I have mine pointing to Drumcore. But if you do that, not all of the audio grooves in Drumcore exist as midi files and Kitcore only plays midi grooves. So if you open the folder from MPC Lockbox, there aren’t any midi grooves because none exist – which is stylistically weird since all the grooves are Hiphop/dance things. Also, my MPC Lockbox single drum hits won’t show up if I steer the Kitcore Data location to Kitcore and not Drumcore. This seems awkward and I feel like I would be missing some killer sounds by pointing my Kitcore to the wrong data. Granted, I imagine not many users own both Drumcore and Kitcore so they’d never notice it but still, it should be addressed. (Sub says they are going to put up a FAQ that explains how to incorporate the KitCore kits into the DrumCore database so you only have to have one Uber library going.) – Note to self: Can we get an editor in here to make sense of that paragraph? It was long-winded and confusing and started to sound like a typical review in a music magazine.
Which one should you get? If you absolutely love the audio only grooves that some of Sub’s drummers recorded, and you like to roll your own, i.e., load custom drum samples into DrumCore and make your own presets – you have to go with Drumcore. On the other hand, Kitcore is easier to use than Drumcore. The drums are plainly laid out, the controls you need are handy, it’s just right there at your fingertips, all on one page. Drumcore is a bit deeper but you get more. When you select a groove, you get all of the audio and all of the midi and all of the fills laid out before you. It seems quicker to get a full groove laid out for a song. But you also gotta open another window to change individual drum kit sounds. And with Drumcore you’re working in a stand alone program so you gotta keep switching back and forth and remembering to either turn on the Transport/Sync button to control your host and vice versa – or not. BTW, I found it disconcerting that when you load a kit in DrumCore, no sound is made the first time you hit the key. I had to gliss up and down to load all the samples so that I could play a groove. The default is that the sounds are not loaded until a midi event is sent to that pad. It saves on memory because you’re not loading a bunch of sounds you aren’t using. There is a setting in the DrumCore preferences to check that says “Preload drum kit on startup or select.” Personally, I don’t care about memory. I’ve lost most of mine thru careless, immature behavior so why should I give a damn about the memory on my MacPro? Sub is considering changing the default to loading all the drum sounds on select and I agree 100%. Coincidentally the same amount I think Obama should be President.
Since I have both Sub programs (visualize blatant boasting and displaying of large male genitalia) – I use Kit for my drums and midi grooves cuz it’s easy and I prefer plugins over standalone software. I use Drumcore for all of the audio grooves I can’t get in Kitcore plus I’m toying with creating a couple of custom kits.
Kitcore is my go to realistic drum sample program now. I’m even beginning to transition to using it on some dance tracks but I have to run it in multi out mode in order to get the separation for each drum (which usually has some kind of effect/processing going on).
For me, there’s always a fine balance between killer sounds and ease of use. I won’t touch anything that doesn’t sound great. And that includes female singers. But if an app is too difficult, I won’t use it. When you’re on a deadline or too drunk to screw, you don’t want demanding and complex. You want instant, straightforward satisfaction and no last names. Or cell numbers. Yes, you can buy drum software that comes with varying mic placements and effects and 1,000 options and 14,000 ways to waste your day. Or you can hire a real drummer. Submersible covers that middle ground where most of us work most of the time and does it really, really well.
Be sure and download their latest manual online since it has more info than the one on my install disk and check out the nicely done video tutorials at www.submersiblemusic.com.
Also, I’ve been told that Submersible will be releasing a new drummer pack from Stephen Perkins of Jane’s Addiction fame on November 25th. That will be sweet and rockin’.
The “If I Controlled The World” Section:
I wish dance/techno/rave/house/breakbeats were better represented but that might be in the works. I also believe -because of the effortless interface - film grooves – you know, cool, atmospheric, phased, filtered, odd drum grooves – would be extremely popular for Sub to release.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
HEAVYOCITY - EVOLVE - Feel The EVOL
Got a lot of response from people about the OMNISPHERE blog I posted so I thought I would try and keep up with all the stuff I buy and use – talk about the stuff that works for me. Talk about things that will improve your life, make you a better man, help you better understand the intricacies of choosing a qualified running mate.
When it comes to learning a new interface, my level of patience is on a par with a pissed off Bill O’Reilly. I load the new software up and just start poking at it until something oozes out. Apparently I have time to write blogs but not fiddle with software or read manuals. Because of this unbecoming flaw, I like software well organized, easy to use, with simple interfaces, big buttons - things a monkey(or a tv composer) can use even if their faculties have been – uh, compromised.
So I loaded up Heavyocity’s EVOLVE (www.heavyocity.com) – and btw – I tried real hard to come with some clever pun on the title involving the word LOVE and EVOLVE but kept getting stuck on EVOL which I realize is love backwards but figured you’d rather hear about the product than me complaining about the “jumbled word syndrome” I’m seeing a doctor about.
Heard about the product from a composer friend who heard from other composers in LA who are using it and loving it. I figured I should rush out and get it so I could sound like everyone else in LA and land that next weight loss reality show gig. Fingers crossed! You gotta buy EVOLVE direct from the website - $400 – no street price –– Heavyocity tells me they have made a distribution deal and it will be in stores soon. (Translation: cheaper???)
EVOLVE runs in Kontakt 2 - so that’s easy. It’s made by composers who know what it takes to score 4,000 minutes of music in a day. It’s geared towards tv/film/game composers who like to be dramatic. Wishy washy, namby pamby, “I’ll just score this bandsaw decapitation scene with flute and harp” maestros need not apply. The website blurbs claim it works on dance remix material as well but it didn’t strike me that way on my first pass but I’ll give it a spin around the block on this techno record I’m doing and let you know how it turns out.
THE ONE SENTENCE REVIEW:
Great sounding hits, FX, weirdness, rhythmic and tonal sequences that are well organized, easy to find and well suited for dramatic scoring.
Should you get it? 99% Yes. The only people who might not need it is the few freaks who already own 20 other pieces of software like both Storm Drums, Omnisphere, Stylus RMX, both original Distorted Reality sample CDs, another 100 sample CDs, and a bunch of other weird shit – and these people have spent 6 long months pulling the best stuff off them and reorganizing them into an easy to use interface in categories that make sense, making sure all the looped material syncs correctly to your sequencer, all the levels are balanced, blah blah blah. If you’ve done that, you can probably live without EVOLVE. The rest of us will buy Evolve and spend our time writing music and making money.
EVOLVE isn’t a band in a box. Evolve is the cherry on top, the specialty freaky groove in the middle, the ominous on the bottom, the bitch slap when you need it. There are no strings, brass, or other typical bullshit. Evolve is meant to slip over the top of your usual instrumental genius - kind of like a musical condom - only this one has sharp creepy prongy things on it.
EVOLVE comes as instruments and multis – so I loaded a multi first cuz I’m lazy– they have descriptive names like Trailer Smash or Ghost Stories. I threw some keys down in Logic for each of the 8 parts and had a scary weird cue done in about 5 minutes. It didn’t have much pitch or melody but then again if you add this to your habitual cheesy string parts I think you’ve got yourself an Emmy nod. I then tried an experiment where I loaded a new multi and kept the exact same midi tracks and voila! Another scary weird cue done. I muted one part cuz it was just too weird but the rest of it wasn’t bad. Time for me to enlist my gardener writing cues! I tell ya, loading up one of their multis really gives you about all you’ll need to amp up your track. I like things that are quick, easy and make me feel good. That’s why I like beer and girls with big boobs.
LIBRARY CONTENTS:
Looped grooves tonal, rhythmic, weird: real nice stuff in here. Definitely usable. One groove per key so you can just keep adding keys until you run out of fingers. Want more intensity? Have more fingers sewn onto your hands – do I have to think up everything for you?
Don’t be fooled by names in the rhythmic grooves section that say things like Tambourines or Hand Percussion – these have all been effected and fucked with so they aren’t your grandpa’s perc (there are some traditional instruments in the “Traditional” folder but you already own all that stuff.)
Don’t look for traditional rock drum kits – the kits here are all high on acid. Look for the unique here not the mundane.
HITS – I like hits that make me rectally bleed. And the hits here are top notch. I had to double up on my Depends just to get thru them all. In fact, although I said there weren’t many trad instruments – there is a bass drum that is the best I’ve ever heard. Not that washy, tubby, boomy realistic, authentic sound – but a ballsy, slappy, belly fat slap sound you can really rattle the viewers with. Kind of like the big Remo tom on Storm Drum 2 only better!
METALS & CYMBALS – Heavyocity knocked this shit out of the park. I am so sick of regular cymbal whooshes I wish I couldn’t hear above 2k. A while ago, I went so far as to effect my own cymbals so I didn’t have to use the same old thing again. Well, Heavyocity did it here too only they did it better. Prepare yourself for soggy Levis my friends.
The Dumpster Scrapes are the Distorted Reality sounds for 2009. Updated, rougher, meaner. I mean these scrapes are from the streets! You can almost smell the decaying food and discarded hookers in the dumpster they sampled. Use these now or forever be branded boring.
ODD NOISE & BUILDUPS – lots of different ideas in here. Ignorance alert! And I fully admit I write music and not software – but since these are all one shots that whoosh up to a climax, why make me waste my time backtiming the effect to land in the right place when a bit of programming would release the climax part when I release the key? That would make me happy. And when I’m happy, I drink less – no, wait – maybe I drink more – whatever – the point is for a piece of software meant for composers, everything needs to be geared towards saving time.
BASSES – there are only a few so you should really rely on your old standbys not Evolve. The few they threw in have standouts like Gnarly Piano Gods and Nuclear Bass Strike. Those 2 patches made me think that I want a section called something like “Final Notes” – huge, cranium exploding single notes that you would use to accent a very dramatic moment – like THE END! I do things like those 2 patches all the time but it takes me 10 minutes to stack the 5 synths and samples to make it. Evolve needs more of them.
There are a couple of drone type things but they didn’t really rock my world. Again, they’re fine but you probably have something better somewhere else. And I have a nit to pick about any synth or sound design patch made by anyone out there. Why doesn’t every programmer make my mod wheel do something? It is so ingrained in me to play a pad, a drone, etc and reach for the mod wheel expecting something extra to happen. I don’t know why I do it because most of the time no one has assigned the controller to do anything. But still I keep on twiddling my wheel hoping for some hot action. Now Heavyocity has done a pretty good job of assigning the mod wheel on quite a few patches but it seemed to me that it missed some opportunities. I’m not talking something fancy – hell, resonance only would be fine – I know I could assign it myself – but that slows me down – and if 1,000 composers have to do the same thing then we’ve all wasted time – time that could have been better spent smoking weed and watching Soul Train.
Lots of strange and different sounds can be found throughout. I have no idea why there’s an unaffected Toy Xylophone in the library – kind of oddly normal for the rest of the collection but still it’s A REALLY NICE TOY XYLOPHONE. There’s a bunch of female opera licks – again, surprised me to find it but when you need a diva hitting the high notes – you’ll be glad they are there. There’s a Pads and FX section – limited but good quality (alas almost no mod wheel assigning). It won’t replace Omnisphere by any stretch but they aren’t trying to. A lot of the collection feels like these sounds were created throughout the careers of the composers behind the software and they’ve pulled the best of them together in this collection. Sure, it’s eclectic but if you’ve created a killer Toy Xylophone, why not spread the love?
Overall, Evolve covers a lot of ground for the dramatically hip. The action/energy grooves are really great, the single hits fantastic, and the scary/weird factor is covered extremely well. Evolve has become my defacto sound design generator. But don’t expect this collection to be the only thing you need to land that Oscar. So lay it on top of your VSL, EWQLSO or your trip hop didgeridoo collection and sit back and wait for that call from the Wachowski brothers.
When it comes to learning a new interface, my level of patience is on a par with a pissed off Bill O’Reilly. I load the new software up and just start poking at it until something oozes out. Apparently I have time to write blogs but not fiddle with software or read manuals. Because of this unbecoming flaw, I like software well organized, easy to use, with simple interfaces, big buttons - things a monkey(or a tv composer) can use even if their faculties have been – uh, compromised.
So I loaded up Heavyocity’s EVOLVE (www.heavyocity.com) – and btw – I tried real hard to come with some clever pun on the title involving the word LOVE and EVOLVE but kept getting stuck on EVOL which I realize is love backwards but figured you’d rather hear about the product than me complaining about the “jumbled word syndrome” I’m seeing a doctor about.
Heard about the product from a composer friend who heard from other composers in LA who are using it and loving it. I figured I should rush out and get it so I could sound like everyone else in LA and land that next weight loss reality show gig. Fingers crossed! You gotta buy EVOLVE direct from the website - $400 – no street price –– Heavyocity tells me they have made a distribution deal and it will be in stores soon. (Translation: cheaper???)
EVOLVE runs in Kontakt 2 - so that’s easy. It’s made by composers who know what it takes to score 4,000 minutes of music in a day. It’s geared towards tv/film/game composers who like to be dramatic. Wishy washy, namby pamby, “I’ll just score this bandsaw decapitation scene with flute and harp” maestros need not apply. The website blurbs claim it works on dance remix material as well but it didn’t strike me that way on my first pass but I’ll give it a spin around the block on this techno record I’m doing and let you know how it turns out.
THE ONE SENTENCE REVIEW:
Great sounding hits, FX, weirdness, rhythmic and tonal sequences that are well organized, easy to find and well suited for dramatic scoring.
Should you get it? 99% Yes. The only people who might not need it is the few freaks who already own 20 other pieces of software like both Storm Drums, Omnisphere, Stylus RMX, both original Distorted Reality sample CDs, another 100 sample CDs, and a bunch of other weird shit – and these people have spent 6 long months pulling the best stuff off them and reorganizing them into an easy to use interface in categories that make sense, making sure all the looped material syncs correctly to your sequencer, all the levels are balanced, blah blah blah. If you’ve done that, you can probably live without EVOLVE. The rest of us will buy Evolve and spend our time writing music and making money.
EVOLVE isn’t a band in a box. Evolve is the cherry on top, the specialty freaky groove in the middle, the ominous on the bottom, the bitch slap when you need it. There are no strings, brass, or other typical bullshit. Evolve is meant to slip over the top of your usual instrumental genius - kind of like a musical condom - only this one has sharp creepy prongy things on it.
EVOLVE comes as instruments and multis – so I loaded a multi first cuz I’m lazy– they have descriptive names like Trailer Smash or Ghost Stories. I threw some keys down in Logic for each of the 8 parts and had a scary weird cue done in about 5 minutes. It didn’t have much pitch or melody but then again if you add this to your habitual cheesy string parts I think you’ve got yourself an Emmy nod. I then tried an experiment where I loaded a new multi and kept the exact same midi tracks and voila! Another scary weird cue done. I muted one part cuz it was just too weird but the rest of it wasn’t bad. Time for me to enlist my gardener writing cues! I tell ya, loading up one of their multis really gives you about all you’ll need to amp up your track. I like things that are quick, easy and make me feel good. That’s why I like beer and girls with big boobs.
LIBRARY CONTENTS:
Looped grooves tonal, rhythmic, weird: real nice stuff in here. Definitely usable. One groove per key so you can just keep adding keys until you run out of fingers. Want more intensity? Have more fingers sewn onto your hands – do I have to think up everything for you?
Don’t be fooled by names in the rhythmic grooves section that say things like Tambourines or Hand Percussion – these have all been effected and fucked with so they aren’t your grandpa’s perc (there are some traditional instruments in the “Traditional” folder but you already own all that stuff.)
Don’t look for traditional rock drum kits – the kits here are all high on acid. Look for the unique here not the mundane.
HITS – I like hits that make me rectally bleed. And the hits here are top notch. I had to double up on my Depends just to get thru them all. In fact, although I said there weren’t many trad instruments – there is a bass drum that is the best I’ve ever heard. Not that washy, tubby, boomy realistic, authentic sound – but a ballsy, slappy, belly fat slap sound you can really rattle the viewers with. Kind of like the big Remo tom on Storm Drum 2 only better!
METALS & CYMBALS – Heavyocity knocked this shit out of the park. I am so sick of regular cymbal whooshes I wish I couldn’t hear above 2k. A while ago, I went so far as to effect my own cymbals so I didn’t have to use the same old thing again. Well, Heavyocity did it here too only they did it better. Prepare yourself for soggy Levis my friends.
The Dumpster Scrapes are the Distorted Reality sounds for 2009. Updated, rougher, meaner. I mean these scrapes are from the streets! You can almost smell the decaying food and discarded hookers in the dumpster they sampled. Use these now or forever be branded boring.
ODD NOISE & BUILDUPS – lots of different ideas in here. Ignorance alert! And I fully admit I write music and not software – but since these are all one shots that whoosh up to a climax, why make me waste my time backtiming the effect to land in the right place when a bit of programming would release the climax part when I release the key? That would make me happy. And when I’m happy, I drink less – no, wait – maybe I drink more – whatever – the point is for a piece of software meant for composers, everything needs to be geared towards saving time.
BASSES – there are only a few so you should really rely on your old standbys not Evolve. The few they threw in have standouts like Gnarly Piano Gods and Nuclear Bass Strike. Those 2 patches made me think that I want a section called something like “Final Notes” – huge, cranium exploding single notes that you would use to accent a very dramatic moment – like THE END! I do things like those 2 patches all the time but it takes me 10 minutes to stack the 5 synths and samples to make it. Evolve needs more of them.
There are a couple of drone type things but they didn’t really rock my world. Again, they’re fine but you probably have something better somewhere else. And I have a nit to pick about any synth or sound design patch made by anyone out there. Why doesn’t every programmer make my mod wheel do something? It is so ingrained in me to play a pad, a drone, etc and reach for the mod wheel expecting something extra to happen. I don’t know why I do it because most of the time no one has assigned the controller to do anything. But still I keep on twiddling my wheel hoping for some hot action. Now Heavyocity has done a pretty good job of assigning the mod wheel on quite a few patches but it seemed to me that it missed some opportunities. I’m not talking something fancy – hell, resonance only would be fine – I know I could assign it myself – but that slows me down – and if 1,000 composers have to do the same thing then we’ve all wasted time – time that could have been better spent smoking weed and watching Soul Train.
Lots of strange and different sounds can be found throughout. I have no idea why there’s an unaffected Toy Xylophone in the library – kind of oddly normal for the rest of the collection but still it’s A REALLY NICE TOY XYLOPHONE. There’s a bunch of female opera licks – again, surprised me to find it but when you need a diva hitting the high notes – you’ll be glad they are there. There’s a Pads and FX section – limited but good quality (alas almost no mod wheel assigning). It won’t replace Omnisphere by any stretch but they aren’t trying to. A lot of the collection feels like these sounds were created throughout the careers of the composers behind the software and they’ve pulled the best of them together in this collection. Sure, it’s eclectic but if you’ve created a killer Toy Xylophone, why not spread the love?
Overall, Evolve covers a lot of ground for the dramatically hip. The action/energy grooves are really great, the single hits fantastic, and the scary/weird factor is covered extremely well. Evolve has become my defacto sound design generator. But don’t expect this collection to be the only thing you need to land that Oscar. So lay it on top of your VSL, EWQLSO or your trip hop didgeridoo collection and sit back and wait for that call from the Wachowski brothers.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
OMNISPHERE THE OMNIFICENT
Any monkey can now do your job! Hire one immediately!
OMNISPHERE – the new synth from Eric Persing with the name that makes my mouth feel like I’ve been eating peanut butter straight out of the jar – without milk.
The one line review – it’s a badass Atmosphere that is modernized, tweaked and all jacked up on coffee, crack and crazy good.
Composers making a great living holding down one key will have a field day with this thing. I wrote 17 cues while I was just testing it out! Sure, all of our cues will sound basically the same but the first to get paid - wins!!!!
I guess the closet comparison to Omnisphere would be the incredible Rob Papen stuff. Predator, Albino and Blue. Those lean a bit more towards pop/club/dance styles (I still use them constantly on scoring gigs but they work extremely well on records too.) Omnisphere seems to lean more towards scoring gigs but I can easily see myself using it on some records. Eric obviously steers his products towards this elaborate multi layered sound – and thank God he does cuz it makes all our lives a lot easier. On the other hand, the majority of records to my ear, use much simpler vintage synth sounds. You could make Omnisphere do that – but it would be like taking a Maserati and putting a Prius engine in it.
Suffice to say that if you ever plan on scoring anything – Omnisphere is the one synth to own.
I soiled myself multiple times just bouncing thru the presets. There are lots of very useful arpeggiator patches – lots of ambient things, lots of weirdness – even some hits and bangs and FX. It’s a one-stop shop for drama and creating moods that sound super super pro – and it’s all at the touch of a key! No talent required. The only decision you will have to make is which key to hold down and hold long you hold it! You never thought a monkey could do your job – but now they can! Better yet, hire some kids - pay them like $1 a cue - put one in each room with an Omnisphere and run your own musical sweat shop! Hey wait a minute – I already have that job! I write for TV!
Damn Eric and his team of evil geniuses! Load up 4, 5 or 6 elaborate patches in the multitimbral Stylus RMX-like interface, and within seconds it sounds like you’re a soundscape genius. Coming from a world where tv and film producers rave about the talent of a composer who has strung together some Apple loops – the heaps of praise for composers who use Ominsphere – will be – gosh, making us all blush. (I’m still waiting for the day when someone wins an Academy Award for holding down one note.)
I suggest all of you Ominsphere users – and trust me – all of you WILL be users – write a letter to Eric and thank him for making you appear more talented than you really are. Thank him for allowing those of limited work ethic to finish their cues quickly, allowing you to get to bed earlier. Thank him for the many accolades you will undoubtedly receive in an otherwise cruel and brutal musical world.
Maybe write something like my letter.
Dear Eric:
Thank you for Omnisphere. I apologize in advance for all of the credit I will be taking for your sonic genius. Even though I will be the one cashing the checks, I want you to know that I think of you every time I hold C3 and some big Hollywood producer tells me how talented I am. Gotta run now, its 9:30 am and I’ve already finished the 30 minutes of music I had to write today. Off to the beach!
Your friend,
Scooter
OMNISPHERE – the new synth from Eric Persing with the name that makes my mouth feel like I’ve been eating peanut butter straight out of the jar – without milk.
The one line review – it’s a badass Atmosphere that is modernized, tweaked and all jacked up on coffee, crack and crazy good.
Composers making a great living holding down one key will have a field day with this thing. I wrote 17 cues while I was just testing it out! Sure, all of our cues will sound basically the same but the first to get paid - wins!!!!
I guess the closet comparison to Omnisphere would be the incredible Rob Papen stuff. Predator, Albino and Blue. Those lean a bit more towards pop/club/dance styles (I still use them constantly on scoring gigs but they work extremely well on records too.) Omnisphere seems to lean more towards scoring gigs but I can easily see myself using it on some records. Eric obviously steers his products towards this elaborate multi layered sound – and thank God he does cuz it makes all our lives a lot easier. On the other hand, the majority of records to my ear, use much simpler vintage synth sounds. You could make Omnisphere do that – but it would be like taking a Maserati and putting a Prius engine in it.
Suffice to say that if you ever plan on scoring anything – Omnisphere is the one synth to own.
I soiled myself multiple times just bouncing thru the presets. There are lots of very useful arpeggiator patches – lots of ambient things, lots of weirdness – even some hits and bangs and FX. It’s a one-stop shop for drama and creating moods that sound super super pro – and it’s all at the touch of a key! No talent required. The only decision you will have to make is which key to hold down and hold long you hold it! You never thought a monkey could do your job – but now they can! Better yet, hire some kids - pay them like $1 a cue - put one in each room with an Omnisphere and run your own musical sweat shop! Hey wait a minute – I already have that job! I write for TV!
Damn Eric and his team of evil geniuses! Load up 4, 5 or 6 elaborate patches in the multitimbral Stylus RMX-like interface, and within seconds it sounds like you’re a soundscape genius. Coming from a world where tv and film producers rave about the talent of a composer who has strung together some Apple loops – the heaps of praise for composers who use Ominsphere – will be – gosh, making us all blush. (I’m still waiting for the day when someone wins an Academy Award for holding down one note.)
I suggest all of you Ominsphere users – and trust me – all of you WILL be users – write a letter to Eric and thank him for making you appear more talented than you really are. Thank him for allowing those of limited work ethic to finish their cues quickly, allowing you to get to bed earlier. Thank him for the many accolades you will undoubtedly receive in an otherwise cruel and brutal musical world.
Maybe write something like my letter.
Dear Eric:
Thank you for Omnisphere. I apologize in advance for all of the credit I will be taking for your sonic genius. Even though I will be the one cashing the checks, I want you to know that I think of you every time I hold C3 and some big Hollywood producer tells me how talented I am. Gotta run now, its 9:30 am and I’ve already finished the 30 minutes of music I had to write today. Off to the beach!
Your friend,
Scooter
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
From Here To The Infirmary . . . Why Is Finishing A Record So Very Hard To Do?
Why is finishing a record so goddam hard? Oh, the writing, recording, overdubbing, arranging, mixing, editing – they’re all hard as shit too. But finishing? Locking it up? Admitting there is no more to be done or that you are out of time? Out of money? That’s the crunch time that demands balls of steel. A will power unequaled by mere mortals. Starting is easy. Fuck starting. Any moron can start. Finishing separates the men from the boys. Or is that a crowbar?
I just finished producing and cowriting a new CD for my record label (blatant plug) with two amazingly talented singers and songwriters, Jessica New and Dannielle DeAndrea. (paid endorsement) The group is called Sweet 17 and the name of the CD is SupaBeat. Order yours now! (Call to action in infomercial parlance)
It couldn’t have been a more pleasurable experience. We laughed, we cried, we spilled juice on our good pants, we got along like best friends, we pushed the limits of our creativity, we learned a lot about each other – like who likes to get spanked when in the throes of passion but that’s another (much more interesting) blog, we learned about ourselves, we all grew as writers and artists, and we all enhanced our lives. Goddam love fest, huh? This time yes. But it doesn’t always turn out that way. I’ve learned that the hard way.
So this enjoyable experience got me to thinking about two things that are guaranteed to happen while you make a record and how embracing these two concepts will make your life better. And by better I mean, enjoyable, fulfilling. Concepts that steer you away from aneurisms and stress inflicted strokes.
1. “You’re going to spend a lot of time on it so do it with people you like.” Don’t bother trying to keep count of the hours – you will spend a lot more time than you ever thought possible working on this record. Alone. With your partners. With musicians. With those voices in your head. Morning. Night. Weekends. Holidays. Funerals. Making a record nearly kills me every time – sheer exhaustion - and if I had to do it with someone I didn’t like? Either it would never get done or someone (I’m in favor of the unlikable character) would have to die a slow painful death. It’s just too much pressure, too goddam hard, too demanding – and to attempt it with people you don’t admire, people you don’t like? You did that in your marriage – why do it with your music? Pick your partners for their creativity AND their likeability. Who cares if some asshole is really good at lyrics if being with them gives you the runs? You’ll never really love the song you write together. It might become a hit and it might make you some money – and you will like that – but you will never like the song because that song will always make you shit your pants. And not in a good way. Work with talented people you like. Aim for less soiling of shorts. It’s unattractive for artists of your stature.
2. “It will never be perfect.” Yep, no matter how many lap dances or Christmas mornings you miss, it will never be perfect. It’s like one of those gameshows where they give you the winnings at the beginning and you try desperately to lose as little as possible throughout the show. Although every project starts off with aspirations of 100% perfect. 100% amazing. We slowly fuck it up until we decide we’re done and that’s the number we’re left with. I guess I could be less pessimistic and say that a song begins at zero and your unrivaled genius raises it day after day until you begin to approach God-like perfection of 100% perfect until you run out of steam, time or money. But it feels more to me like creativity is handed to me in a kind of confused state of perfection and my job is to sort it out as best I can. Get out of the song’s way, gently guide it, coax it to the perfect spot. It’s a puzzle, that inherent in it’s design, is the fact that you will never be able to fit all the pieces together. Some pieces will be left out. Pieces fall by the wayside. Like sand falling thru your fingers. To try and hold all that sand, to tighten your grip, often makes the process less enjoyable. And the outcome less desirable. I think we’re supposed to drop some of the sand – or maybe a lot of it. Maybe by dropping the sand we find the beautiful shell hidden in it. We started with expectations of what perfect is and as we dig deeper into our project we realize it isn’t that at all. It is what it is. So it will never be perfect. And it isn’t supposed to be. Perfect doesn’t make you feel welcome. Perfect isn’t personal. Perfect doesn’t make people happy. When you get down to picking the nits on your recordings, by far most of them have been scrutinized with a Hubble telescope clamped to your head. Give them some damn distance. Look at your nits with regular old human eyes. Embrace the charm of human error and randomness. This is your recording; you are allowed to be human.
And to that point, as the girls and I got down to the end of the record, and we were living with my 5th version of “final mixes” – we all had comments and/or notes to address. Most of the fixes went quickly. A couple we fought over – it wasn’t that anyone was right or wrong (but since you asked . . I was always right and they were wrong) – they were differences of opinion with no right answer. But there was one line in the first verse of a song. It just didn’t seem right in pitch, or rhythm or something. I fiddled, fucked and fondled that line with Autotune and Melodyne and editing and just about every trick I could come up with and it seemed kind of OK. Pretty good. We were on a deadline to finish. We all agreed it was fine – OK, one of us was still unconvinced. But we beat her into submission.
I boarded a plane to Hawaii, recording done – free upgrade to First Class – congratulations from the captain – sex in the bathroom with the flight attendants. All of the things normally associated with finishing the recording of an independent release. Three days into the trip, I throw the CD on to take a listen. Might as well have one more listen while the graphics guys finish up - before we press ourselves into posterity. When I heard that troubled vocal line, I knew it wasn’t good enough. Maybe I convinced myself before that it was good enough because we were out of time. Maybe not. Doesn’t matter. I knew the girls had to resing it. Record on hold. Not what I was looking for, but we had already delayed once because we thought one or two songs could be better – and we were right. We fixed it when I got home. And now the recording was done. Almost.
And this is where finishing the recording feels like only one small part of finishing the record. Graphics, mastering, duplication, marketing. . . . (loud scream heard behind back shed)
Off to mastering. I used Brian “Big Bass” Gardner at Bernie Grundman Mastering. Big Bass does all the big hits out there. The guy is the Zeus of mastering. But I gotta wait 3 weeks for an appointment. Sure, I should have scheduled ahead of time. Don’t bust my balls here. After numerous postponements, I wasn’t really sure when we would finish. But we get in. Brian massages his knobs, tweaks and twiddles, caresses and coos – OK, maybe I didn’t hear any actual cooing from Brian, it might have been me ogling the double platinum records on the walls. Next day, reference CD. I want to remix a song. Mastering can change things. Change things a lot. Especially at the levels of compression we’re all used to nowadays. I remix. I drop off the new mix and give Brian a couple of brief notes on a couple of other songs. A new reference CD. Somewhere in the shuffle, the new mix doesn’t get mastered. The other fixes sound great. Brian finds the right mix. Another reference.
As I pick up this latest reference, I’m on cloud 9. The record is done. Nearly. I can smell victory. I’m in Hollywood so victory smells like summer sweat and day old dog urine. One more careful listen in the studio and it is off to the pressing plant. I can’t resist. I shove the CD into my car CD player. I’m rockin’. I’m really diggin it. No traffic, I’m home in ten minutes. I hit the eject button – ready for my final listen in the studio – the CD JAMS IN MY CAR STEREO! It’s stuck. I get the tweezers. A long screwdriver. KY jelly. I reach for the hammer. I’m ready to tear the fuckin dash out of the car. I want this record done so bad. I feel like that female marathon runner a few Olympics back who crawled to the finish line like she’d had a stroke and there was nothing that could stop her from finishing. Finishing. Why is it so goddam hard?
I’m beat up, bloodied, bruised and sober. It’s a bad day. I drive to the car dealer and beg the service technician to get the CD out. He takes my predicament to heart and says “You’re fucked maestro, we have to remove the whole stereo and send it to the factory.” As a favor, he can put a rush on it – 6 weeks. Then they’ll send me the CD. 6 weeks - $600.00! Another reference cost $175. Not a call I want to make. I make the call. 5 hours later I have another disc. (Thank you Marie!) 11 at night, in the studio. I load the disc. The music starts and with the first few notes, the hassles, the difficulties, the hurdles, the obstacles – they begin to melt away. And I realize the importance of this. The important thing is NOT how good the record is. The important thing is the miraculous human ability to conceive something and then execute. To finish. To create. To be alive. To finish.
And that feeling is so rewarding it is worth putting ourselves through almost any amount of suffering.
Of course the record isn’t finished yet. Graphics and pressing still to go. More to come.
I just finished producing and cowriting a new CD for my record label (blatant plug) with two amazingly talented singers and songwriters, Jessica New and Dannielle DeAndrea. (paid endorsement) The group is called Sweet 17 and the name of the CD is SupaBeat. Order yours now! (Call to action in infomercial parlance)
It couldn’t have been a more pleasurable experience. We laughed, we cried, we spilled juice on our good pants, we got along like best friends, we pushed the limits of our creativity, we learned a lot about each other – like who likes to get spanked when in the throes of passion but that’s another (much more interesting) blog, we learned about ourselves, we all grew as writers and artists, and we all enhanced our lives. Goddam love fest, huh? This time yes. But it doesn’t always turn out that way. I’ve learned that the hard way.
So this enjoyable experience got me to thinking about two things that are guaranteed to happen while you make a record and how embracing these two concepts will make your life better. And by better I mean, enjoyable, fulfilling. Concepts that steer you away from aneurisms and stress inflicted strokes.
1. “You’re going to spend a lot of time on it so do it with people you like.” Don’t bother trying to keep count of the hours – you will spend a lot more time than you ever thought possible working on this record. Alone. With your partners. With musicians. With those voices in your head. Morning. Night. Weekends. Holidays. Funerals. Making a record nearly kills me every time – sheer exhaustion - and if I had to do it with someone I didn’t like? Either it would never get done or someone (I’m in favor of the unlikable character) would have to die a slow painful death. It’s just too much pressure, too goddam hard, too demanding – and to attempt it with people you don’t admire, people you don’t like? You did that in your marriage – why do it with your music? Pick your partners for their creativity AND their likeability. Who cares if some asshole is really good at lyrics if being with them gives you the runs? You’ll never really love the song you write together. It might become a hit and it might make you some money – and you will like that – but you will never like the song because that song will always make you shit your pants. And not in a good way. Work with talented people you like. Aim for less soiling of shorts. It’s unattractive for artists of your stature.
2. “It will never be perfect.” Yep, no matter how many lap dances or Christmas mornings you miss, it will never be perfect. It’s like one of those gameshows where they give you the winnings at the beginning and you try desperately to lose as little as possible throughout the show. Although every project starts off with aspirations of 100% perfect. 100% amazing. We slowly fuck it up until we decide we’re done and that’s the number we’re left with. I guess I could be less pessimistic and say that a song begins at zero and your unrivaled genius raises it day after day until you begin to approach God-like perfection of 100% perfect until you run out of steam, time or money. But it feels more to me like creativity is handed to me in a kind of confused state of perfection and my job is to sort it out as best I can. Get out of the song’s way, gently guide it, coax it to the perfect spot. It’s a puzzle, that inherent in it’s design, is the fact that you will never be able to fit all the pieces together. Some pieces will be left out. Pieces fall by the wayside. Like sand falling thru your fingers. To try and hold all that sand, to tighten your grip, often makes the process less enjoyable. And the outcome less desirable. I think we’re supposed to drop some of the sand – or maybe a lot of it. Maybe by dropping the sand we find the beautiful shell hidden in it. We started with expectations of what perfect is and as we dig deeper into our project we realize it isn’t that at all. It is what it is. So it will never be perfect. And it isn’t supposed to be. Perfect doesn’t make you feel welcome. Perfect isn’t personal. Perfect doesn’t make people happy. When you get down to picking the nits on your recordings, by far most of them have been scrutinized with a Hubble telescope clamped to your head. Give them some damn distance. Look at your nits with regular old human eyes. Embrace the charm of human error and randomness. This is your recording; you are allowed to be human.
And to that point, as the girls and I got down to the end of the record, and we were living with my 5th version of “final mixes” – we all had comments and/or notes to address. Most of the fixes went quickly. A couple we fought over – it wasn’t that anyone was right or wrong (but since you asked . . I was always right and they were wrong) – they were differences of opinion with no right answer. But there was one line in the first verse of a song. It just didn’t seem right in pitch, or rhythm or something. I fiddled, fucked and fondled that line with Autotune and Melodyne and editing and just about every trick I could come up with and it seemed kind of OK. Pretty good. We were on a deadline to finish. We all agreed it was fine – OK, one of us was still unconvinced. But we beat her into submission.
I boarded a plane to Hawaii, recording done – free upgrade to First Class – congratulations from the captain – sex in the bathroom with the flight attendants. All of the things normally associated with finishing the recording of an independent release. Three days into the trip, I throw the CD on to take a listen. Might as well have one more listen while the graphics guys finish up - before we press ourselves into posterity. When I heard that troubled vocal line, I knew it wasn’t good enough. Maybe I convinced myself before that it was good enough because we were out of time. Maybe not. Doesn’t matter. I knew the girls had to resing it. Record on hold. Not what I was looking for, but we had already delayed once because we thought one or two songs could be better – and we were right. We fixed it when I got home. And now the recording was done. Almost.
And this is where finishing the recording feels like only one small part of finishing the record. Graphics, mastering, duplication, marketing. . . . (loud scream heard behind back shed)
Off to mastering. I used Brian “Big Bass” Gardner at Bernie Grundman Mastering. Big Bass does all the big hits out there. The guy is the Zeus of mastering. But I gotta wait 3 weeks for an appointment. Sure, I should have scheduled ahead of time. Don’t bust my balls here. After numerous postponements, I wasn’t really sure when we would finish. But we get in. Brian massages his knobs, tweaks and twiddles, caresses and coos – OK, maybe I didn’t hear any actual cooing from Brian, it might have been me ogling the double platinum records on the walls. Next day, reference CD. I want to remix a song. Mastering can change things. Change things a lot. Especially at the levels of compression we’re all used to nowadays. I remix. I drop off the new mix and give Brian a couple of brief notes on a couple of other songs. A new reference CD. Somewhere in the shuffle, the new mix doesn’t get mastered. The other fixes sound great. Brian finds the right mix. Another reference.
As I pick up this latest reference, I’m on cloud 9. The record is done. Nearly. I can smell victory. I’m in Hollywood so victory smells like summer sweat and day old dog urine. One more careful listen in the studio and it is off to the pressing plant. I can’t resist. I shove the CD into my car CD player. I’m rockin’. I’m really diggin it. No traffic, I’m home in ten minutes. I hit the eject button – ready for my final listen in the studio – the CD JAMS IN MY CAR STEREO! It’s stuck. I get the tweezers. A long screwdriver. KY jelly. I reach for the hammer. I’m ready to tear the fuckin dash out of the car. I want this record done so bad. I feel like that female marathon runner a few Olympics back who crawled to the finish line like she’d had a stroke and there was nothing that could stop her from finishing. Finishing. Why is it so goddam hard?
I’m beat up, bloodied, bruised and sober. It’s a bad day. I drive to the car dealer and beg the service technician to get the CD out. He takes my predicament to heart and says “You’re fucked maestro, we have to remove the whole stereo and send it to the factory.” As a favor, he can put a rush on it – 6 weeks. Then they’ll send me the CD. 6 weeks - $600.00! Another reference cost $175. Not a call I want to make. I make the call. 5 hours later I have another disc. (Thank you Marie!) 11 at night, in the studio. I load the disc. The music starts and with the first few notes, the hassles, the difficulties, the hurdles, the obstacles – they begin to melt away. And I realize the importance of this. The important thing is NOT how good the record is. The important thing is the miraculous human ability to conceive something and then execute. To finish. To create. To be alive. To finish.
And that feeling is so rewarding it is worth putting ourselves through almost any amount of suffering.
Of course the record isn’t finished yet. Graphics and pressing still to go. More to come.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
RUSH on COLBERT
Despite the fact that every executive in TV and every network has decided that viewers do not want music on television, The Colbert Report featured prog rockers RUSH on the show last night. It’s been 33 years since the band has been on TV. They played “Tom Sawyer.” Or at least part of it. Playing off the fact that so many Rush songs are long and not TV friendly in terms of cutting to commercials, Colbert interrupted them once to cut away, failed and reappeared a second time in great comedic manner before throwing to the ads. It was a great moment in music and in television.
Before the song performance, Colbert interviewed the band with hilarious questions and absurd answers in which Rush more than held their own and got bonafide laughs. The quality of comedic writing and ingenuity that Colbert and staff generate every night is astounding. Their track record over this past year is damn near perfect. It’s the funniest show on TV at the moment and it ain’t gonna let up. They’re on a roll and I’m eating it up.
But just what is the magic mojo cooking in the writer’s room? What other show on TV would consider booking Rush, then actually do it, create a great bit around it, allow them to give a fantastic performance, and most importantly, put music on the pedestal where it belongs?
I was never a huge Rush fan, small leaning towards medium I’d guess. But hearing Tom Sawyer and seeing the guys having a great time with Colbert, well, it made me realize that music can be fun. It can be entertaining. It made me like the band more. It made me consider buying some more of their music. It made fall even more in love with Colbert. And his writing staff. I have to think other viewers felt the same way.
So contrary to the “all knowing” MTV think tank, music and television worked very well together last night.
But it was all about the presentation. It was all about setting it up right and delivering music in a way that is entertaining. Straight up performance footage just won’t cut it. I stopped on some HD channel the other night and watched about 6 minutes of The Pussycat Dolls in concert. Under normal conditions, scantily clad girls shaking their groove thang can keep my finger off the remote and somewhere else for upwards of 30 minutes, but not this show. Within seconds of watching them, I had the underwhelming feeling that these girls were going through the motions. There was no gusto in the humping. No joy in the gyrating. No love in grinding. They were singing Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love” and just butchering it. All rock, renegade and revolt was missing from the song. They turned it into a filler song. One of rock and roll’s most beloved songs became something to dance to for a couple of minutes wedged between their own material. And they dedicated it to “all their classic rocker fans”, which, if they had any, would be appalled, not honored, by the shout out.
So TV execs are right in that music presently badly on television is bad business - no one will watch. But when music is presented in clever, original, and yes, even hilarious circumstances, it can be wonderfully rewarding. Wonderfully entertaining. Like Rush on Colbert. Watch the clip. Feel good about music.
Before the song performance, Colbert interviewed the band with hilarious questions and absurd answers in which Rush more than held their own and got bonafide laughs. The quality of comedic writing and ingenuity that Colbert and staff generate every night is astounding. Their track record over this past year is damn near perfect. It’s the funniest show on TV at the moment and it ain’t gonna let up. They’re on a roll and I’m eating it up.
But just what is the magic mojo cooking in the writer’s room? What other show on TV would consider booking Rush, then actually do it, create a great bit around it, allow them to give a fantastic performance, and most importantly, put music on the pedestal where it belongs?
I was never a huge Rush fan, small leaning towards medium I’d guess. But hearing Tom Sawyer and seeing the guys having a great time with Colbert, well, it made me realize that music can be fun. It can be entertaining. It made me like the band more. It made me consider buying some more of their music. It made fall even more in love with Colbert. And his writing staff. I have to think other viewers felt the same way.
So contrary to the “all knowing” MTV think tank, music and television worked very well together last night.
But it was all about the presentation. It was all about setting it up right and delivering music in a way that is entertaining. Straight up performance footage just won’t cut it. I stopped on some HD channel the other night and watched about 6 minutes of The Pussycat Dolls in concert. Under normal conditions, scantily clad girls shaking their groove thang can keep my finger off the remote and somewhere else for upwards of 30 minutes, but not this show. Within seconds of watching them, I had the underwhelming feeling that these girls were going through the motions. There was no gusto in the humping. No joy in the gyrating. No love in grinding. They were singing Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love” and just butchering it. All rock, renegade and revolt was missing from the song. They turned it into a filler song. One of rock and roll’s most beloved songs became something to dance to for a couple of minutes wedged between their own material. And they dedicated it to “all their classic rocker fans”, which, if they had any, would be appalled, not honored, by the shout out.
So TV execs are right in that music presently badly on television is bad business - no one will watch. But when music is presented in clever, original, and yes, even hilarious circumstances, it can be wonderfully rewarding. Wonderfully entertaining. Like Rush on Colbert. Watch the clip. Feel good about music.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
You Are A Part Of The New Renaissance Of Music: Don’t Screw It Up
This blog is about music. And what it means to me, you and everyone else in the world. I’m taking a moment to realize, absorb, appreciate – fully – what I am a part of. What we’re all a part of.
Music is the most powerful art form in existence. More memories, experiences, and emotions are tied to music than anything else. Music was here when man was debating the pros and cons of walking upright. Music accompanied every war and every coronation. Music was there when my son was born, for someone’s first kiss, someone else’s favorite movie, and it will be there at your funeral. Some of us are lucky enough to spend our lives creating it. All of us spend our lives listening to it. Music time-stamps our lives. It makes us more aware that we’re here and breathing. A great song makes us appreciate our loved ones more and helps us work up the proper amount of “pissed off” for our ex’s. A great melody is like a water fountain from heaven that we can tap into and drink from at will. The perfect rhythm brings up desires and thoughts that later make us blush.
And yet, all I read about music right now is that music is in trouble. Music is heading downhill. Music has no value. Music is going nowhere. The glory days are gone.
And that fucking pisses me off. Believe me. Nothing is further from the truth and we should all be down on our knees thanking God for the sheer luck of being alive to write, record and create during this time in history.
Music is better, more alive, more influential and more important that at any point in history. Music is everywhere. Music is the catalyst for everything that anyone cares about. Have you ever watched a movie with out music? A TV show? A 30 second commercial? They’re unbearable! Commercials are unbearable even with music. Music makes them tolerable. That’s how strong music is. A movie without music? No one would go see it. Of the few that exist without music, a couple are important to the development of movie making as an art and surprisingly relegated to the eerie, macabre, horror genre – but most aren’t any good. Anytime a filmmaker really wants to move an audience, make them feel something, he has to rely on music. TV is the same. Ever wonder why reality TV has wall-to-wall music? It’s the only way producers can convince you something dreadfully important is happening on screen. Without it, it would be like watching your neighbor cut his lawn. With scissors.
120,000,000 iPods sold so far. People are listening. Lots of people.
As of this month, iTunes is the biggest music retailer in the world. They have sold 4 billion songs. They carry, every day, 6 million songs. And it’s growing. If you’re counting by CDs, that’s 500,000 different CDs (at 12 songs a CD). A Virgin Megastore carries about 150,000 CDs – many of which are duplicates.
Check out this headline from a couple months back: “World’s Greatest Record Collection for sale on eBay.”
Paul Mawhinney collected 6 million songs stored on 3 million records and 300,000 CDs. Same number of songs as iTunes? Of course, Paul has rare, limited release, obscure recordings. Priceless. Historical. He most likely doesn’t have any of my records so you kind of have to really call it “Almost The World’s Greatest Record Collection.” But, more importantly, you can buy my music on iTunes. Or yours. Anybodys. Without verification from a company or a store or a collector that your music is the greatest in the world.
It took Paul 50 years to collect these songs. iTunes has been in business for 6. iTunes will eventually carry nearly every recorded piece of music – known to mankind! - in it’s library. Available for purchase. Amazing. When you tell your grand kids that you used to browse through the defunct local, mom & pop record store (Tower Records) and gander at your choice of 50,000 different CDs, they’ll stare at you in amazement. “How did you ever find anything you liked with such a limited selection, Grandpa?” It’s Chris Anderson’s Long Tale economic theory times a billion.
Don’t buy into the crap that mega record companies are losing money because the music business sucks. They’re losing money because they’re not taking advantage of opportunities to make more money. They made money one way and are extremely reluctant to look for new ways. They’re complaining because they’ve lost control. Feel sorry for them like you feel sorry for Bear Stearns & Co.
Ask them about their music licensing business. The side of the business that controls the copyrights, the issuing of licenses for use of their music other than sales of CDs & digital downloads. It’s fucking booming! They can’t set goals high enough each year. It’s a goldmine. And 100% profit. They paid for the product 25 years ago. Everybody and their hairless Chihuahua is licensing music for the internet, commercials, tv, movies, DVDs, infomercials. And this is because the record companies own all of the “good shit.” The recordings you and I were brought up on. The songs we hold near and dear to our hearts. And the memories tied to those songs help sell product. Advertisers know that. So they’re licensing the shit out of those songs. Target & The Beatles – a match made in Madison Avenue Heaven. I hear “Hello/Goodbye” and I suddenly have a burning desire to buy toilet paper and a very reasonable price.
But with the record business changing, the conglomerates are in a dangerous position. 25 years from now, they may well not own “the good shit.” I will. Or you. Or our kids. They know if they don’t make hits now, they’ll have nothing to license in 25 years. So they want to lock us into agreements. Keep control. Maintain the staus quo.
But they can’t. They’re losing the war. And they’re desperate. So they sue their customers. They whine and cry about how tough business is.
And that is why it is only going to get better. Better for you and me. Better for the listener. Better for music. Music is being put back into the hands of those who make it. Musicians today have an opportunity to write exactly what they want, record it and release it – directly to the listener – without the obstacles of lawyers, executives and marketers who have only one thing on their minds – control. Oh, and money. OK, 3 things, control, money and commercially friendly acts they can manipulate to reinforce the first two things. Go check out Seth Godin’s incredible speech to Columbia Record executives about the state of the music business. I’m sending you here to see it before it is gone forever. Seth took it off You Tube for some reason. It’s brilliant and will affect you.
http://www.softlord.com/cat/industry-info/seth-godin-speaks-the-truth-to-columbia-records/
Music should be in the control of those who make it and those who listen. And it will be. Very soon. And that means you and me. This new world will finally allow music to be democratic. You, the makers, and you, the listeners, will decide what you want. The time has come for us to be the leaders of what is heard and what is talked about.
The music that will come out over the next fifty years will be the most innovative, original and phenomenal music ever heard by mankind. Our time will be looked back on as the new renaissance of music. Composers, songwriters and musicians all over the world will be cut free from the dictatorial chains of mega conglomerates and allowed to roam free, creating, recording and pillaging. The latter preferably only when the first two aren’t going so well.
Instead of just one artist every now and then releasing exactly what they want, imagine a world where what you listen to is always exactly what the artist wants. What YOU want. The music will be more pure, less homogenized and ultimately vastly more satisfying and entertaining to the creator and the listener. And everyone will be able to have access to it. At an extremely reasonable price.
And here go the naysayers. “$1 per song – we just can’t go any lower! It’s the number we’ve all come to - after much deliberation!” Don’t get hung up on price. Price is an old concept from an old world. Remember, music pricing was arbitrary and continues to be so. The record companies’ pricing comes straight out of their asses. Competition has not bred lower pricing – unlike every other business in the world. Someone decided long ago that music will sell at such and such a price point. And there it has stayed. There are more important things happening in music than the price of a song. But for the hell of it – run the numbers.
Here’s the scenario: You sign with a major label, get your measly $1 a record royalty (for all songs on the record), and if you’re lucky and were one of the writers, you then get your ridiculously low, government approved, mechanical rate (further lowered by your inept attorney) of about 6 cents per song for a whopping total of under $2 a CD. Divide $2 by 12 songs. You’re making 17 cents a song. You’re kinda famous? 25 cents a song. You’re really famous? 40 cents a song. Trent Reznor made $750,000 selling collector sets of his new music. By himself. The way he wanted. Exactly the way he wanted.
How much is that worth? A lot more than $750,000 because he will do it again. And again.
Will there be only great music in this new world? Absolutely not. Actors will continue to strum and models will continue to warble. Terrible songs will still become popular and genius will still lie hidden and undiscovered. In fact, there will probably be more bad music than ever before. But more art makes a better world. Even bad art. Creativity keeps people aware of what’s important in life. It keeps people loving and experiencing. It keeps people sharing.
Everyone, from artist to listener, will have a closer, more intimate relationship with music. There has never been an opportunity like this in history. You’re a part of it. A big part. Be a believer. The best is yet to come.
Music is the most powerful art form in existence. More memories, experiences, and emotions are tied to music than anything else. Music was here when man was debating the pros and cons of walking upright. Music accompanied every war and every coronation. Music was there when my son was born, for someone’s first kiss, someone else’s favorite movie, and it will be there at your funeral. Some of us are lucky enough to spend our lives creating it. All of us spend our lives listening to it. Music time-stamps our lives. It makes us more aware that we’re here and breathing. A great song makes us appreciate our loved ones more and helps us work up the proper amount of “pissed off” for our ex’s. A great melody is like a water fountain from heaven that we can tap into and drink from at will. The perfect rhythm brings up desires and thoughts that later make us blush.
And yet, all I read about music right now is that music is in trouble. Music is heading downhill. Music has no value. Music is going nowhere. The glory days are gone.
And that fucking pisses me off. Believe me. Nothing is further from the truth and we should all be down on our knees thanking God for the sheer luck of being alive to write, record and create during this time in history.
Music is better, more alive, more influential and more important that at any point in history. Music is everywhere. Music is the catalyst for everything that anyone cares about. Have you ever watched a movie with out music? A TV show? A 30 second commercial? They’re unbearable! Commercials are unbearable even with music. Music makes them tolerable. That’s how strong music is. A movie without music? No one would go see it. Of the few that exist without music, a couple are important to the development of movie making as an art and surprisingly relegated to the eerie, macabre, horror genre – but most aren’t any good. Anytime a filmmaker really wants to move an audience, make them feel something, he has to rely on music. TV is the same. Ever wonder why reality TV has wall-to-wall music? It’s the only way producers can convince you something dreadfully important is happening on screen. Without it, it would be like watching your neighbor cut his lawn. With scissors.
120,000,000 iPods sold so far. People are listening. Lots of people.
As of this month, iTunes is the biggest music retailer in the world. They have sold 4 billion songs. They carry, every day, 6 million songs. And it’s growing. If you’re counting by CDs, that’s 500,000 different CDs (at 12 songs a CD). A Virgin Megastore carries about 150,000 CDs – many of which are duplicates.
Check out this headline from a couple months back: “World’s Greatest Record Collection for sale on eBay.”
Paul Mawhinney collected 6 million songs stored on 3 million records and 300,000 CDs. Same number of songs as iTunes? Of course, Paul has rare, limited release, obscure recordings. Priceless. Historical. He most likely doesn’t have any of my records so you kind of have to really call it “Almost The World’s Greatest Record Collection.” But, more importantly, you can buy my music on iTunes. Or yours. Anybodys. Without verification from a company or a store or a collector that your music is the greatest in the world.
It took Paul 50 years to collect these songs. iTunes has been in business for 6. iTunes will eventually carry nearly every recorded piece of music – known to mankind! - in it’s library. Available for purchase. Amazing. When you tell your grand kids that you used to browse through the defunct local, mom & pop record store (Tower Records) and gander at your choice of 50,000 different CDs, they’ll stare at you in amazement. “How did you ever find anything you liked with such a limited selection, Grandpa?” It’s Chris Anderson’s Long Tale economic theory times a billion.
Don’t buy into the crap that mega record companies are losing money because the music business sucks. They’re losing money because they’re not taking advantage of opportunities to make more money. They made money one way and are extremely reluctant to look for new ways. They’re complaining because they’ve lost control. Feel sorry for them like you feel sorry for Bear Stearns & Co.
Ask them about their music licensing business. The side of the business that controls the copyrights, the issuing of licenses for use of their music other than sales of CDs & digital downloads. It’s fucking booming! They can’t set goals high enough each year. It’s a goldmine. And 100% profit. They paid for the product 25 years ago. Everybody and their hairless Chihuahua is licensing music for the internet, commercials, tv, movies, DVDs, infomercials. And this is because the record companies own all of the “good shit.” The recordings you and I were brought up on. The songs we hold near and dear to our hearts. And the memories tied to those songs help sell product. Advertisers know that. So they’re licensing the shit out of those songs. Target & The Beatles – a match made in Madison Avenue Heaven. I hear “Hello/Goodbye” and I suddenly have a burning desire to buy toilet paper and a very reasonable price.
But with the record business changing, the conglomerates are in a dangerous position. 25 years from now, they may well not own “the good shit.” I will. Or you. Or our kids. They know if they don’t make hits now, they’ll have nothing to license in 25 years. So they want to lock us into agreements. Keep control. Maintain the staus quo.
But they can’t. They’re losing the war. And they’re desperate. So they sue their customers. They whine and cry about how tough business is.
And that is why it is only going to get better. Better for you and me. Better for the listener. Better for music. Music is being put back into the hands of those who make it. Musicians today have an opportunity to write exactly what they want, record it and release it – directly to the listener – without the obstacles of lawyers, executives and marketers who have only one thing on their minds – control. Oh, and money. OK, 3 things, control, money and commercially friendly acts they can manipulate to reinforce the first two things. Go check out Seth Godin’s incredible speech to Columbia Record executives about the state of the music business. I’m sending you here to see it before it is gone forever. Seth took it off You Tube for some reason. It’s brilliant and will affect you.
http://www.softlord.com/cat/industry-info/seth-godin-speaks-the-truth-to-columbia-records/
Music should be in the control of those who make it and those who listen. And it will be. Very soon. And that means you and me. This new world will finally allow music to be democratic. You, the makers, and you, the listeners, will decide what you want. The time has come for us to be the leaders of what is heard and what is talked about.
The music that will come out over the next fifty years will be the most innovative, original and phenomenal music ever heard by mankind. Our time will be looked back on as the new renaissance of music. Composers, songwriters and musicians all over the world will be cut free from the dictatorial chains of mega conglomerates and allowed to roam free, creating, recording and pillaging. The latter preferably only when the first two aren’t going so well.
Instead of just one artist every now and then releasing exactly what they want, imagine a world where what you listen to is always exactly what the artist wants. What YOU want. The music will be more pure, less homogenized and ultimately vastly more satisfying and entertaining to the creator and the listener. And everyone will be able to have access to it. At an extremely reasonable price.
And here go the naysayers. “$1 per song – we just can’t go any lower! It’s the number we’ve all come to - after much deliberation!” Don’t get hung up on price. Price is an old concept from an old world. Remember, music pricing was arbitrary and continues to be so. The record companies’ pricing comes straight out of their asses. Competition has not bred lower pricing – unlike every other business in the world. Someone decided long ago that music will sell at such and such a price point. And there it has stayed. There are more important things happening in music than the price of a song. But for the hell of it – run the numbers.
Here’s the scenario: You sign with a major label, get your measly $1 a record royalty (for all songs on the record), and if you’re lucky and were one of the writers, you then get your ridiculously low, government approved, mechanical rate (further lowered by your inept attorney) of about 6 cents per song for a whopping total of under $2 a CD. Divide $2 by 12 songs. You’re making 17 cents a song. You’re kinda famous? 25 cents a song. You’re really famous? 40 cents a song. Trent Reznor made $750,000 selling collector sets of his new music. By himself. The way he wanted. Exactly the way he wanted.
How much is that worth? A lot more than $750,000 because he will do it again. And again.
Will there be only great music in this new world? Absolutely not. Actors will continue to strum and models will continue to warble. Terrible songs will still become popular and genius will still lie hidden and undiscovered. In fact, there will probably be more bad music than ever before. But more art makes a better world. Even bad art. Creativity keeps people aware of what’s important in life. It keeps people loving and experiencing. It keeps people sharing.
Everyone, from artist to listener, will have a closer, more intimate relationship with music. There has never been an opportunity like this in history. You’re a part of it. A big part. Be a believer. The best is yet to come.
Monday, January 14, 2008
MADONNA, MONEY, MUSIC AND MAGIC WATER
So Madonna spends about $10,000 per month on bottled Kaballah water. Shock? Amazement? Jealousy? Thirsty? Let’s wade into the velvety spiritual liquid and find out how special water can make all of us better composers. Ohh! It’s cold. And deep.
I have no idea why this headline moved something in my naughty bits prompting a long over due blog. I apologize for not writing more but one can only fit so many “not for profit” ventures into one’s schedule. I’ve over committed to the whales who can’t read, bald llamas, goats with VD and American Idol’s without a record deal retirement home fund raisers. It’s the holiday season and it’s been nothing but give, fucking give, fucking give for me. But I’ve been feeling the pressure about the blog. I know how many of you had “more blogs from Scooter” on your respective Christmas lists and I’m ashamed that, unlike Santa, I didn’t bring it on Christmas morning. Copious tears were no doubt shed, crushing disappointment at an all time high, raging side by side with unsupervised doses of Prozac just to make it to New Years. I could ramble on about how every project wants to finish up before the holidays so the lazy producers won’t have to work, or that I was busy readying my new retro jazz CD, available at Amazon and CD Baby, or that I was just totally jammed up scouring the internet reading about how much Kaballah water Madonna uses every month.
The story goes that Madonna pays about $5 a bottle for the blessed water, rumored to have healing and energy potential, and that she exclusively uses this water to the tune of about $120,000 a year. Set aside for the moment the sort of implausible math involved, $120k divided by $5 divided by 365 days a year and you get almost 66 bottles of water a day. Enough to cause at least minor abdominal cramping. Outrageous you say! And yet it’s coincidently about the same number of beers your average classic rock cover band downs between Freebird and Stairway To Heaven on any given Tuesday nite no cover spectacular. And they STILL rock the house. Unbelievable! What talent.
Set aside the quantity and talk about the money for a minute. $120,000 divided by 365 days. For those of you who don’t have that many fingers, it’s almost $329 per day. Out-fucking-rageous, right???!!! Well, dig deeper my cheap friends. Madonna earns about 20 million a year from her various ventures. Almost $55,000 a day. Or the equivalent of the bass trombone player’s cut at a wedding casual after he won the Powerball lottery. Percentage-wise, Madonna is spending about half of one percent of her salary on water. Let’s say one of us makes $100,000 a year selling our souls to the musical devil. Your daily take is a whopping $274 – mind you, $55 less than Madonna’s water budget – but hey, you’re creating art! Not just sitting around drinking holy water and pissing all day. Half of one percent for you is $1.37.
Reader uprising #1: Hold on now, Scooter. You’re fuckin’ crazy if you think I’m buying this malarkey. You probably flunked math in school.
It’s right. Had it checked by the great and powerful Oz - my daughter.
$1.37. You’re damn near homeless at this rate. You’d be spending a bigger percentage of your income than Madonna if you walked into your nearest Starbucks and bought a Tall Coffee of the Day for $1.40! And God forbid you craved a Venti Iced White Chocolate Mocha ($4.15). Greedy capitalist swine.
I’m mixing apples and oranges here. Unfair to compare coffee and water. What’s the price of a bottle of your beloved Evian?
(INTERESTING FACT ALERT – There are more than 119 different bottlers of water in America alone – tell a friend!)
A very quick, unsubstantiated search on the internet puts Evian at $.99 per bottle. Aquafina $1.49. Fiji $1.99. So to stay even with Madonna, you can only have a bottle and a third of Evian per day. Or spread your Fiji over 2 days. That definitely cuts out washing your long gorgeous “80’s rocker” locks with it. You’re not getting enough water in you to work up even a mild whizz. Forget race horses. You’re dribbling like a 90 year old with a prostate the size of a basketball. And take your monthly colonic off the appointment book. Even with tap water you’d be blowing (literally) your budget right out your ass - so just get used to that dull aching wad jammed in your intestines or hope for the flu.
Reader uprising #2: What in God’s name does this have to do with me making more money or writing better music??? I don’t come to your blog just to read your exaggerated takes on negligees and farm animals. Oh, wait, yes I do! Please continue.
The point of this math lesson is that we all spend money on different things. Things that make us individually able to accomplish what we have set out to do. You may feel that what I spend money on is absolute shit (you’d be wrong) and I know for a fact that what you spend your dough on is absurd. But it’s what makes us tick. And how much you spend is your right. Your choice. I like The Four Seasons. You bask in the glory that is Motel 6. But don’t rage on me about it, it helps me to write.
I had an assistant years ago at Disney who amazed me at how she spent her money. Everyday, the Disney cafeteria would offer a “special lunch.” It was priced for the economically challenged Disney employee (there were many). Each and everyday my assistant would complain that she didn’t want to eat it. But she bought it anyway because it was cheap. I asked her why she just didn’t spend the extra $1.50 and get a burger. She loved burgers and she’d been working hard all day. Didn’t she deserve a meal she liked? No, to her it was a waste of money. Food didn’t matter that much. Then came the weekend. She would hop in her car with her friends and drive to Vegas. Come Monday morning I’d ask how her weekend was. “Fantastic!” she would say. How much did you lose? And she’d tell me $400. Lunch came around again along with her usual complaining and bitching. I pointed out that her loses on one trip to Vegas would cover her having a burger for every workday of the entire year. She looked at me like I was crazy and said “But I had FUN in Vegas!”
So as I look around at what I choose to spend money on and just as importantly, what I choose NOT to spend it on, I’m trying to pay attention to the actual outcome – the results, if you will, of my investment. I love new toys in the studio. I love new software. I get all jittery during Steve Jobs’ announcement of new products at MacWorld (and I wear a safety diaper just in case.) We all love gear and technology and cool shit. We all love cheap hookers and free beer. It keeps us writing. Keeps us creating. It allows us to justify spending 3/4ths of our lives in a room banging on plastic keyboards. Spending money on frivolous things, crazy things, hocus pocus bullshit fake whacky energy infused Jesus juice things keeps us creative. And that’s a good thing. It is a necessary thing.
Put aside the moral implications of Madonna’s water allotment. Think of it in pure economic terms. At the level at which she delivers commercially viable music product, requiring no doubt a huge staff, does $10,000 a month sound like too much to keep 100 people employed? If that’s what it takes to keep the Madonna money machine turning, is it worth it? What about the Kaballah organization she buys the water from? They make a nice tidy profit on their tap water and then use the money for worthwhile community causes. Maybe Madonna should actually drink more of it. Maybe she should fill her toilets with it. The world might be a better place.
I’m saying that it is not only good, but it is critical that each and every one of us spends our money on what makes us create. More people creating makes a better world. Creativity makes a more tolerant world. It makes a more interesting world.
So go out and buy that double headed dildo with the ice maker attachment or the magic pen that makes you write like Hemingway. Indulge yourself. Eat grass or dress only turkey skin. Treat yourself like the artist you are and allow your environment, your mind, and your idiosyncrasies to reflect you. Reward yourself and you will enrich your creative output.
Me? I drink Sparkletts but my accountant says to cut back on my budding collection of used celebrity underwear. He obviously doesn’t understand my creative side.
I have no idea why this headline moved something in my naughty bits prompting a long over due blog. I apologize for not writing more but one can only fit so many “not for profit” ventures into one’s schedule. I’ve over committed to the whales who can’t read, bald llamas, goats with VD and American Idol’s without a record deal retirement home fund raisers. It’s the holiday season and it’s been nothing but give, fucking give, fucking give for me. But I’ve been feeling the pressure about the blog. I know how many of you had “more blogs from Scooter” on your respective Christmas lists and I’m ashamed that, unlike Santa, I didn’t bring it on Christmas morning. Copious tears were no doubt shed, crushing disappointment at an all time high, raging side by side with unsupervised doses of Prozac just to make it to New Years. I could ramble on about how every project wants to finish up before the holidays so the lazy producers won’t have to work, or that I was busy readying my new retro jazz CD, available at Amazon and CD Baby, or that I was just totally jammed up scouring the internet reading about how much Kaballah water Madonna uses every month.
The story goes that Madonna pays about $5 a bottle for the blessed water, rumored to have healing and energy potential, and that she exclusively uses this water to the tune of about $120,000 a year. Set aside for the moment the sort of implausible math involved, $120k divided by $5 divided by 365 days a year and you get almost 66 bottles of water a day. Enough to cause at least minor abdominal cramping. Outrageous you say! And yet it’s coincidently about the same number of beers your average classic rock cover band downs between Freebird and Stairway To Heaven on any given Tuesday nite no cover spectacular. And they STILL rock the house. Unbelievable! What talent.
Set aside the quantity and talk about the money for a minute. $120,000 divided by 365 days. For those of you who don’t have that many fingers, it’s almost $329 per day. Out-fucking-rageous, right???!!! Well, dig deeper my cheap friends. Madonna earns about 20 million a year from her various ventures. Almost $55,000 a day. Or the equivalent of the bass trombone player’s cut at a wedding casual after he won the Powerball lottery. Percentage-wise, Madonna is spending about half of one percent of her salary on water. Let’s say one of us makes $100,000 a year selling our souls to the musical devil. Your daily take is a whopping $274 – mind you, $55 less than Madonna’s water budget – but hey, you’re creating art! Not just sitting around drinking holy water and pissing all day. Half of one percent for you is $1.37.
Reader uprising #1: Hold on now, Scooter. You’re fuckin’ crazy if you think I’m buying this malarkey. You probably flunked math in school.
It’s right. Had it checked by the great and powerful Oz - my daughter.
$1.37. You’re damn near homeless at this rate. You’d be spending a bigger percentage of your income than Madonna if you walked into your nearest Starbucks and bought a Tall Coffee of the Day for $1.40! And God forbid you craved a Venti Iced White Chocolate Mocha ($4.15). Greedy capitalist swine.
I’m mixing apples and oranges here. Unfair to compare coffee and water. What’s the price of a bottle of your beloved Evian?
(INTERESTING FACT ALERT – There are more than 119 different bottlers of water in America alone – tell a friend!)
A very quick, unsubstantiated search on the internet puts Evian at $.99 per bottle. Aquafina $1.49. Fiji $1.99. So to stay even with Madonna, you can only have a bottle and a third of Evian per day. Or spread your Fiji over 2 days. That definitely cuts out washing your long gorgeous “80’s rocker” locks with it. You’re not getting enough water in you to work up even a mild whizz. Forget race horses. You’re dribbling like a 90 year old with a prostate the size of a basketball. And take your monthly colonic off the appointment book. Even with tap water you’d be blowing (literally) your budget right out your ass - so just get used to that dull aching wad jammed in your intestines or hope for the flu.
Reader uprising #2: What in God’s name does this have to do with me making more money or writing better music??? I don’t come to your blog just to read your exaggerated takes on negligees and farm animals. Oh, wait, yes I do! Please continue.
The point of this math lesson is that we all spend money on different things. Things that make us individually able to accomplish what we have set out to do. You may feel that what I spend money on is absolute shit (you’d be wrong) and I know for a fact that what you spend your dough on is absurd. But it’s what makes us tick. And how much you spend is your right. Your choice. I like The Four Seasons. You bask in the glory that is Motel 6. But don’t rage on me about it, it helps me to write.
I had an assistant years ago at Disney who amazed me at how she spent her money. Everyday, the Disney cafeteria would offer a “special lunch.” It was priced for the economically challenged Disney employee (there were many). Each and everyday my assistant would complain that she didn’t want to eat it. But she bought it anyway because it was cheap. I asked her why she just didn’t spend the extra $1.50 and get a burger. She loved burgers and she’d been working hard all day. Didn’t she deserve a meal she liked? No, to her it was a waste of money. Food didn’t matter that much. Then came the weekend. She would hop in her car with her friends and drive to Vegas. Come Monday morning I’d ask how her weekend was. “Fantastic!” she would say. How much did you lose? And she’d tell me $400. Lunch came around again along with her usual complaining and bitching. I pointed out that her loses on one trip to Vegas would cover her having a burger for every workday of the entire year. She looked at me like I was crazy and said “But I had FUN in Vegas!”
So as I look around at what I choose to spend money on and just as importantly, what I choose NOT to spend it on, I’m trying to pay attention to the actual outcome – the results, if you will, of my investment. I love new toys in the studio. I love new software. I get all jittery during Steve Jobs’ announcement of new products at MacWorld (and I wear a safety diaper just in case.) We all love gear and technology and cool shit. We all love cheap hookers and free beer. It keeps us writing. Keeps us creating. It allows us to justify spending 3/4ths of our lives in a room banging on plastic keyboards. Spending money on frivolous things, crazy things, hocus pocus bullshit fake whacky energy infused Jesus juice things keeps us creative. And that’s a good thing. It is a necessary thing.
Put aside the moral implications of Madonna’s water allotment. Think of it in pure economic terms. At the level at which she delivers commercially viable music product, requiring no doubt a huge staff, does $10,000 a month sound like too much to keep 100 people employed? If that’s what it takes to keep the Madonna money machine turning, is it worth it? What about the Kaballah organization she buys the water from? They make a nice tidy profit on their tap water and then use the money for worthwhile community causes. Maybe Madonna should actually drink more of it. Maybe she should fill her toilets with it. The world might be a better place.
I’m saying that it is not only good, but it is critical that each and every one of us spends our money on what makes us create. More people creating makes a better world. Creativity makes a more tolerant world. It makes a more interesting world.
So go out and buy that double headed dildo with the ice maker attachment or the magic pen that makes you write like Hemingway. Indulge yourself. Eat grass or dress only turkey skin. Treat yourself like the artist you are and allow your environment, your mind, and your idiosyncrasies to reflect you. Reward yourself and you will enrich your creative output.
Me? I drink Sparkletts but my accountant says to cut back on my budding collection of used celebrity underwear. He obviously doesn’t understand my creative side.
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